Introduction

I'm not sure what really persuaded me to start this blog. I was just looking for a healthy way to vent my feelings about our battle with infertility and loss and hoping deep down that this might be a good form of therapy for me. Its been hard too keeping this all to myself. I cry… a lot. I have some extra baby weight from my recent miscarriage. One of my biggest fears is being asked by someone who knows me well if I'm pregnant cause they are aware we've been trying and I have like 10-15 extra pounds.My self-esteem is basically shot and I just need some sort of outlet… so why not start a new blog?!? right!

A little (I mean a LONG) run-down about our journey. We've been trying to have a second child for 2 years now. We finally got pregnant in September. We were so ECSTATIC!! I bawled on the phone when the doctor told me my bloodwork came back positive! It was such a relief! We had done an IUI (our 3rd) to get that pregnancy and my body had released 2 eggs so going into our 7 week appt we could not wait to find our how our baby was doing but also to find out how many babies were coming into our family!! We had our ultrasound and the tech told us what we were seeing wasn't normal. I was too shocked at that moment to cry or say anything except a quiet "oh no". I was in complete disbelief. Once the nurse left the room I just let it all out. The tears just wouldn't stop. I had planned for 3 weeks for our June baby. I bought a double stroller, a baby carrier and maternity clothes for my already growing belly. Our wait we thought was over, only to find out we had to start back again cause we would not be bringing home a baby in June. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and I elected to have a second ultrasound a week later at 8 weeks just to be sure a d&c was needed and we didn't miss anything. Sure enough our nightmare was real and I had to have a d&c. 

I never worried about miscarrying when I was pregnant with our first. I just knew he was going to be ok. Its interesting because when I got pregnant this time, I just had this feeling like "this is too good to be true". All this waiting, medications, hormones, money spent was finally getting results, but now we have an angel in heaven who we love just as much as our oldest child. After the D&C I waited around for my body to return to normal so we could start trying again. Once it did I went back to the fertility clinic to start another IUI cycle, only to find out I have a very large cyst on one of my ovaries. It could take months to get rid of becuase of its size. So now I'm on birth control and if the birth control doesn't help it to shrink they will have to surgically remove the ovary. I want to see the good in all this but at times its really difficult.  Its been hard too being so close to Christmas and I was thinking earlier this year that this would be our last Christmas just the 3 of us because we would welcome another angel into our family next year. Well that may not be the case, but I am learning that that is ok. God's plan is just different than mine. Its extremely hard to accept and I don't think I've fully accepted it yet, but I'm trying.

Even though we are on this journey I do find peace in celebrating my Saviors Birth, especially at this time of year.  I feel so blessed that He was born and sent to earth for me. To heal my heart, to give me hope and to lift my burdens. This journey has definitely helped me to rely more on my Savior. I know He has felt what I'm feeling. He knows the depth of my pain. He's been with us when we cried and when we've rejoiced. And I've honestly felt Him lift my burdens many times throughout this trial.